Netvos

A friend of mine named James recently sent me a game called “Netvos.” Well, I’m assuming it’s called that since on the CD it says, “NETVOS.”

I had never heard of it before, and a quick Google search showed that such a game doesn’t exist. What made this even stranger is that James attached a note saying, “Kevin (that’s my name, just so you know), whatever you do, DON’T PLAY THIS GAME!”

I honestly thought it was a joke. James has a sense of humor, and this seemed like a prank. So, I decided to play it. Maybe it was a new game. Or an old game. Only one way to find out.

I put the CD in my laptop, and began playing. It was a pretty simple game, actually. It was a basic side-scroller. You walked along, collected power-ups, that sort of thing. However, it was also rather…odd. Mainly because the color palette was mostly made up of black and red, and whenever you killed enemies they just exploded into pixelated blood and gore.

Like I said, odd.

Despite this strangeness, I persevered through the game, which kept getting darker and stranger until…

“FOOL!” a voice said from the game. “YOU HAVE MET YOUR MATCH! I AM NETVOS, BRINGER OF DARKNESS, DESTROYER OF SOULS!”

I giggled a bit. James really outdid himself with this one. Not only did he make a game, but he also got someone to do this whole Netvos thing. Kudos to him.

“WHY DO YOU LAUGH?” Netvos suddenly said.

Wait, did he hear me laugh?

“Did you hear me laugh?” I asked.

“OF COURSE I DID, PATHETIC MORTAL. I AM NETVOS, BRINGER OF DARKNESS, DESTROYER OF SOULS!”

“Didn’t you just say that?”

“HM. SO I DID.”

Ok, so apparently this game is haunted by some being named Netvos. I could keep conversing with him, or I could do something else.

I decided on the latter course of action, and closed my laptop. Amazingly, I heard a muffled voice. Huh. Guess this Netvos guy is kind of a chatterbox.

I called up James to ask for his advice.

“Hi, James, it’s Kevin,” I said once I got him on the phone.

“Oh, Kevin! Hey! What’s up?” he asked.

“Well, I have a question. Hypothetically – ” I started, until James interrupted me.

“You played the game, didn’t you?”

“Yep.”

“Didn’t I tell you not to play it?”

“In all defense, I thought you were joking when you told me not to play it. I mean, if you wanted to make sure no one played it, why not destroy it or bury it or something?”

“I…I am not a smart person,” he admitted. “Clearly. Well, do you have any advice on how to stop this Netvos guy?”

“No, not really. Maybe just try and outsmart him?”

“James, he’s an egomaniacal demon thing that haunts a game. How do I outsmart him?

“How should I know? You’re the smart one.”

“Ugh,” I said, and hung up.

I guess I could try outsmarting this Netvos, or at least getting a better understanding of his motives and personality. I opened the laptop.

“OH, THANK SATAN YOU OPENED THAT. I COULDN’T BREATHE,” Netvos said.

“You’re welcome. Now, can you please tell me what you’re doing haunting a computer game?” I asked.

“WELL, I’M USING IT TO SLOWLY DRIVE EVERYONE INSANE, AND TAKE OVER THIS DIMENSION! MWHAHAHA – ”

“Wait, really?”

“YEAH. IS THERE A PROBLEM WITH THAT?”

“Well, it’s not exactly the smartest way to get what you want.”

“WHAT WOULD YOU DO?”

“Can you escape that game and possess other types of electronics?”

“YEAH, I’M PRETTY SURE I CAN. I’M A DEMON WITH GOD-LIKE POWERS, SO IT’S WITHIN THE REALM OF POSSIBILITY.”

“Then why not do that? Take control of the data grid or something. Get control of nuclear weapons, and threaten to launch them if you don’t get what you want. I mean, it’s a much better way to go about things than what you’re doing.”

Netvos was quiet for a second.

“BE RIGHT BACK,” he said.

Sometime later…

It didn’t take long for Netvos to take over the world. As it turns out, the threat of the annihilation of all life on Earth from a demonic being really makes everyone rather submissive.

That’s why I’m now a manual laborer building a statue in honor of our new Lord Netvos. Helping me was my friend, James.

“I told you not to play the game,” he said.

Lacking any witty or smart retorts, I simply said, “Shut up,”